I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
