My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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