I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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