FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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