Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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