So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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