Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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