Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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