He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
