you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
