I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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