No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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