Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
