I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
