I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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