forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
