Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
