Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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