I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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