At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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