you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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