Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
