I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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