I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
