i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
