If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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