the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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