Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There r osticjed everywhere
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
