the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have aggressive nipples.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
