Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
