She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
