so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
