Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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