this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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