I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
