I am in a vortex of obligation.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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