Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
