I want to make a zoo with you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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