I am puke
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
