we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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