the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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