Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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