You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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