I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
