He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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