Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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