she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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