Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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