I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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