So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
